Coming Out to Myself

by Juliana Guerrero

My name is Juliana Guerrero. I am an apprentice at SWOW. I am the granddaughter of Julia Carmen, and I have worked on the retreats at Dancing Spirit Ranch in Whitefish, Montana. And, this is my story of coming out to myself.

My journey as a person part of the LGBTQIA+ has been messy. But I am finding comfortability in my mind and body, which has been liberating.

The wavering struggle of my gender identity, not fitting into society’s norms of me, women, and the universe around me.

The confusion and suffocation of my sexuality, swallowing any thoughts that were not perceived as straight and trying my best to conform.

I still find the difficulty in being my whole self as thoughts of my gender and sexuality come into my mind as indifferent or out of the ordinary.

The people around me, the people I love, will find me repulsive or unnatural to the world or to their lives.

My mind had conjured up each of these ideas. Of my family and my loved ones, but they saw and accepted my gender and sexuality before I did.

But this is about me, coming out to me because I know in my heart, mind, body, and soul that this is who I am.

I am a two-spirit or two souls (dos Almas) queer person. I carry more than one gender identity with me, ones beyond the binary and some that are neither one. Ones that affirm me in my identity for the day, the hour, the minute. What feels like me and always me. My sexuality is to love people for who they are without gender being an issue. Loving people beyond the two genders we see, but understanding that the expectations of the gendered society impact us as human beings.

I am not gender blind to the other experiences that may have been had. Mine does not define it for all folks in the LBGTQIA+ community, but this is my truth.

It has taken me my whole life to own my identity. Being proud of them regardless of what others around me might feel and feeling more confident as each day passes.

It is feeling comfortable in my skin as a person; to wearing the clothing that feels comfortable to me. To use pronouns that suit me rather than the ones given to me. To present my body that meets my expectations and not anyone else’s. It’s about me finally having a partner who understands me.

Not someone using me for a fetish or a fantasy they want to live. Not to use me as an object or to gather attention. Not to use me for sex or for a good time. Not to use me as a therapist or unload years of ignorant understandings of gender or sexuality.

Someone who honors my body and my mind. Understands that I am settling into my identity. But there are days I discover more about myself, and I need to assure myself that it’s okay. That may be normal for me. And I have someone who will listen to me rather than run me over. I carry these moments of love and kindness with me as I build my future with a partner.

I continue to build relationships in my life that are not centered around my past pains or my confusion. But instead, I own my truth and my reality. Making genuine relationships, I feel affirmed and understood about my sexuality and gender. Where it isn’t constantly being questioned or judged. Asking the appropriate questions when necessary. And me being treated like a human. As if the labels are not my entire identity.

Because there is more to me beyond my sexuality and my gender identity.

I am multi-racial and multi-cultural, and I understand how each part of my identity is important to me. Regardless of how little or how much each one might exist within me. I know how to tap into each ethnicity with authenticity and respect for each one. I imagine this is the truth I bring when I step into my sexuality and my gender.

I am the best version of myself without the intention of disrespecting others and being truthful to my being.

It isn’t a competition of how much or how little you have, how much you have experienced. We are part of the same communities, and there must be an understanding of each other. And I will continue to learn and unlearn about the LGBTQIA+ communities – the Latinx, the Asian American, and the Pacific Islander communities – and uplift the truths and honor the ones that exist in my life.

Therefore, this journey of mine is to find my communities. To stay with them and continue to liberate me and present myself as my whole being.